Who Needs Love?

Written, arranged and performed by Cindy Palin ©September 2012

Who Needs Love? ©written, arranged and performed by Cindy Palin September 2012

If I let myself, I can feel it again, power disguised as love.  I can see it now, everywhere that I turn, everyone trading up.  Cause it’s better than waiting around, it’s better assuming control. It’s better, so much better to drown in a feeling than to know.

If you let yourself, you’ll believe anything.  Lies disguised as truth.  Can you feel it now that your heart’s underneath, the weight of a thousand moons.  Cause it’s better than waiting around, it’s better assuming control.  It’s better, so much better to drown in a feeling than to know.

And you were told, but what’s the fun in that.  When you get old, maybe then you’ll settle down, but until then…..you’ll take the feeling.  Yeah, until then – Who Needs Love?

©Cindy Palin

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Curvature of the Spine “not the kind that shows on an x-ray”

Recording your thoughts is more important than you know….

I use to journal all the time in blank paged books with fancy covers that smelled like Christmas morning, my writing, nothing spectacular or prolific, no special attention to penmanship or form.  I still write today in typed font, but it has become like prayer to me, and sometimes one and the same, because both of those activities are part of our walk together.

I don’t even think about including Him, we’ve come to a place in my life where He is  everything I do.  Without Him, I wouldn’t be here.  He’s patiently worked all kinds of miraculous interventions on my behalf and I could list them for you, but I won’t.

Because, what makes me stand in awe before Him even more, is knowing there are thousands of other miracles He has worked in my life  and others’ lives, that we never see, when we’re running, or ignoring Him.  He is mercy!

I crawled out of the bath this morning, carrying my heavy thoughts, heavier than my thick brown bath towel and they wouldn’t rub off.  The process of thinking is something we all do, but for some, depending on your generational makeup, thinking can push you right over the edge.  If we rely on brains alone, to work out every detail of our lives, we are depending on our own strength.  There are books and resources to lighten our load, but no other truth and strength for this journey called “life”, than that which comes from our Creator and His Word.  Nothing’s more freeing than living totally dependent on His strength and writing it down so others can too.

My bathtub burdens took me back to a recent conversation with a friend.  She had just started a new job, and was nervous.  We sat down on the edge of my bed and while folding some laundry I encouraged her to stand tall, and speak with authority.  Why were those words, the message she needed to hear?

Both she and I share ugly past trauma.  Those realities can keep us feeling like children, not the gleeful, playful kind of image most get when they think of children, but the “bad girl, go sit in the corner,” kind of picture.  Trapped and beaten down!

I’ve been asking myself why that truth continues to bob to the surface?  Those who’ve experienced abuse believe they’ve been bad, even if we know we’re the victims and not the perpetrator.  That “feeling” can stay with us and create a curvature of the spine, one that will not show up on any x-ray, but is there none the less.  Our voices can have a constant underlying whine that resembles a whipped puppy.  As if we need to apologize for who we are 24/7?

With God’s help we can see a clear picture of who we really are, we can stand tall, and speak with authority.  We become the best we can be, leaders, recognizing the gifts He’s given us to navigate on this earth.  We are forgiven, we have a new name, we are children of the King with a message of healing, belonging and freedom!

 

“Clear My Name” Party!

Dear Jesus, it’s me – Cindy….

Is there such a thing as a “clear my name” party?  I know you Jesus and you’ve already done the work, but what if there’s someone down here I love, that’s hurting and people believe something terrible about him?  He’s kept a close account just as you’ve asked Him, and his name is written in the Lamb’s book of life, and You love him!

But there are people down here on earth that believe lies about him, things he’s never, ever done!  What about the years he has to endure those “looks” and hear those “rumors”, the years he has left on earth to remember the Father who wouldn’t love him, the Father who’s very lips began those lies?

I think of Joseph and how his brothers were blinded with jealousy and threw him in a pit, and went home and told their Father that his favorite son was dead.  They actually sold their brother as a slave to some travelers, who took him to Egypt.  Is that what we do, even now Lord, exchange the truth for a lie if it means gold in one’s pocket?

I know you tell us that we can do anything in your strength, and I believe you.  I see how you upheld Joseph, and how Joseph continued in the faith even after his entire family was torn from him, but did Joseph’s strength come in part from knowing that both his earthly Father and Heavenly Father loved him?  Did Joseph’s strength come in part from knowing he was a favorite son?  Did Joseph’s strength solely rest on Your love alone?

I read in your Word how you granted Joseph justice before his earthly Father died and they enjoyed a sweet reunion.  Joseph also enjoyed reconciliation with his brothers because Joseph chose to forgive them.

Lord, our earthly Father is gone. We enjoyed a sweet reunion one Christmas out of a thousand,  before “it” returned.   Some call “it” sickness, others call it “senility”, I have only one word to describe “it”, evil.  We cannot, even though we’ve been betrayed, dare whisper what “it” has stolen from us, because you, O Lord,  have asked us to fix our eyes on You, the author and finisher of our faith!

If we dare linger but a second on “it”, we will sink, the pain is too great and the poison might seep under our skin.

I’ve seen you work miracles, Your mercy alone is all I need.

But I’d still like that “clear my name” party, for him, if that’s o.k. with you?

Wait a minute….

I can’t bear to invite the people who need to be there, the people who need to hear the truth, because we don’t belong together.  Is that what you want me to see, that we don’t belong anyway?  Do I really want to have a party with the living dead to reveal information to them that will only save one, and not the whole?  Do I really want to settle for vindication, or do I want to be impassioned for their souls?   Should I be concerned about my brother’s name, when we know his eternity is secure or should I rather be grieved for the pompous blind, who wander the earth unconcerned with their spiritual destination?

I hear you….Lord.

Amazing, through all this writing and thinking and grieving, You have revealed something incredible to me….a truth that is healing.

You want me to spend the rest of my days on earth clearing Your name.  After all, there are still so many that don’t believe they crucified the Son of the Living God.  They killed an innocent man who took on the sins of many, that those who believed might enjoy a sweet reunion one day in Heaven.

Are we not suffering even now in order to understand, even if it is but a little; your sacrifice?

Writing to Heal

Somewhere along the way I started growing up and quit reading, right about the same time I realized I, myself, was in a real live story of my own, one I didn’t like very much.

My story was written out daily with words like; worry, stomach aches, yelling, and nightly with nightmares and fear. When I dared try to make sense of it by sharing with a friend, I’d get looked at like a crazy person. I learned to keep my story to myself, until I got my guitar… and nobody puts musicians in straight jackets, right? Strange, when you pen the ugly truth to a song, you’re a genius, everyone likes you and the song!

I’m still learning about the power of story. Recently I could hear the author of the “greatest story ever told”, prompting me to write, not the usual short story accompanied by a melody but a longer story in paragraphs and chapters, but why?

I had so many questions for Him, and still do. When I got married there were different questions than the ones I have now, now that my children are grown and leaving home. But I believe He’s been calling me to write in order to further understand His purpose and plan for me, which is an ongoing process.

There is nothing like revisiting your history in order to grasp your present. As I read through the Old Testament I could see the connections to the New Testament, I could trace the steps of God’s people on their desert journey into the promised land. And what did I see there for me? A rescue, a second chance, the importance of trust and obedience, some pretty incredible miracles and…….healing.

The excerpt above is another from my project; “Love Leaves” and leads into a divine story telling appointment that happened amongst six or so strangers, around a wooden table one February afternoon.

Where are you in your life story right now and what have you learned along the way?  Are you able to let God into your heart and show you truth?  Are you wiling to write it down?  Do you believe in the power of story and healing?

That Invisible “thing”!

I don’t know when it actually hit me, the realization of what that invisible “thing” was every time I bumped into him…but the light bulb moment came.  And eventually every “thing” is made visible by the light!

He had a “for sale” sign on his forehead, even with his wedding ring on his left hand!  Some people never shake it.  I had worn the sign on my forehead too, once upon a time, when I was single and lost and searching for love in all the wrong places….kinda sounds like the country song Waylon Jennings made famous, and I don’t even like country music. 

Anything to fill the void, but with each passing fancy the void only gets bigger, deeper, darker until your insides smell like a rotting, hollow tumor.  The only love that offers an absolute guarantee was nailed to a cross thousands of years ago, freed from a borrowed tomb, for you and for me.

But the “real thing”, very few people choose to embrace.

Another excerpt from my book project entitled; “Love Leaves”.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible….Eph 5:13a

Ephesians 5